New Year, Camping Gear: Why You Should Spend New Year’s Eve in Fayoum

As the year’s most awaited bash and messiest night, New Year’s Eve, finally rolls around, the majority of the populus starts embarking on a unified hunt for dazzling parties, tasteful soirees or basically any event with potent potables.

The culmination of a stressful and drama-ridden year, the night promises party-goers a memory-wiping experience and enough nighttime mistakes to fill up their New Year’s resolutions lists. Those not interested in gearing up for a raging crowded affair in Gouna or a corset-requiring high-end event in Cairo are on the look-out for alternatives that involve reclining on a soft surface in what a friend of mine calls ‘the marination station’, rather than hopping up and down on weary ankles.

But for a select few, the ideal way to usher in the new year, and all the mirage-like hopes of reincarnation it brings with it, lies somewhere between a low-budget Woodstock-inspired rave and a cosy hot-chocolate-in-bed ceremony. If you fall into this niche category of recluse artists, self-proclaimed Tumblr photographers and oh-my-god-how-have-you-not-been-to-Dahab Birkenstock-wearers, then Fayoum is the New Year’s Eve bubble for you.

Popular amongst avid campers - a trope that’s very far removed from my ‘I carry hand-sanitizer, wipes, tissues and Cologne 555 at all times’ grandma personality - Fayoum has for far too long remained an elusive destination for those of us who wheeze at the mere thought of climbing two flights of stairs. Let me, a novice with zero qualifications, change that for you.

Although camping might seem daunting at first, second and sixtieth glance, with the help of a few experienced - and less nature-fearing - good samaritans, you can live out your s’mores- and chicken-wing-themed fantasies under the star-studded and non-light-polluted sky.

In the interest of helping you evade an embarrassing situation, I’ll give you some sound packing advice: don’t listen to your worried mother. In an attempt to shelter you from any and all potential and insanely-unrealistic harm, a perturbed mother will strongly suggest you stuff a human-sized backpack with several thermals, sweaters, socks (of varying lengths and thickness), a Fresh Buzz, portable electric fans (?), a medicine bag, a picnic bag with table settings for eight even though you’re only four, and a pouch filled with compressed disposable towels without once considering the fact that this slight over-preparation might leave your friends with little trunk space for actual necessities and also with rib-pains from roasting the hell out of you.

Just take it from me, don’t overpack.

Now, once all your Cairo-based grocery shopping is done, sing along to Mostafa Amar’s severely underrated (like how do people not celebrate him as the musical Casanova of our time) serenading tunes, as you make your way towards the expansive desert.

Along the way, pass by Tunis village for some firewood, a final pee break in a functional bathroom, and a last dose of the world wide web, then drive towards the mesmerising Magic Lake.

Choose a spot by - but not too close to - the glistening water, assemble your tents (just Google how, I’m not Wikipedia), unfurl your sleeping bags, set up a seating area by the bonfire your skilled outdoorsy friends made, and revel in the serenity that can only be unearthed through seclusion.

As your culinary-blessed friends labour over a small barbecue and the smell of chicken wings lightly teases your nose, open up the SkyView app to map out the sky and find your favourite constellations. Or better yet, soak in the unparalleled views of the all-encompassing desert, the gently lapping water and the towering sand dunes surrounding you, while your friends regale you with tales of trials and tribulations past.

Now, if you’re eagerly awaiting a lengthy anecdote about an incident, in which I was actually of any use during this entire excursion, I’ll spare you the tedious waiting for Godot, I was not.

But that’s what friends are for.

If you’re wondering how any of this is doable in any way because you don’t have any agile campers in your life, then boy, do I have a surprise for you. Allow me to be the first to introduce you to the soon-to-launch local business Desert Bros. This group of able-bodied self-anointed bros promises to take care of all the bits about camping you don’t want to deal with - wood collecting, transportation, food, dune bashing, bonfire making, basically everything requiring effort - to allow you the luxury of a painless yet authentic camping experience.

Hell, they’ll even help you propose to your girlfriend of 10 years by setting up a rose-petal-infused spectacle just for the two of you. Though unfortunately, they can’t guarantee it goes in your favor, since - naturally - she’s perfectly justified in dumping your scrawny ass because making her wait a solid decade is borderline sadistic.

If the whole ‘sleeping in the great outdoors’ thing just isn’t your cup of tea, and you don’t want to break nine out of ten nails, then maybe take your ‘camping’ hat off and put your ‘glamping’ sunhat on. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or a weighted blanket, for the past several years, you’ve definitely heard of Remal El Rayan.

With ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ massive dome tents, and oh-so-sexy suite tents, Remal El Rayan is made for those of us that like the finer things in life but also kind of want to connect with nature but like, without getting our freshly-manicured hands dirty, you know?

They even offer activities like dune bashing, horseback riding, sandboarding, the whole adrenaline-junky shebang, which I highly recommend you don’t partake in if you’ve just wolfed down countless (4) servings of delicious Om Ali.

And, as you would expect from an establishment of such grandeur and cost, they break out all the stops for New Year’s Eve with a classic Bedouin party, just your average in-the-middle-of-the-desert lavish gala dinner and a fire show that will thrill the fire-obsessed, non-threatening arsonist within you.

However, if you’re tightening up the purse strings this holiday season, which is definitely not a testament to your poor financial decision-making but rather a mere side effect of living in a rapidly disintegrating dystopian world (I’m fine), and enjoy authentic yet sheltered vibes, you should definitely consider renting out a house in Tunis Village. There’s a wide selection of traditional Nubian-style dwellings with domed ceilings, copious pottery, and palm-tree-lined gardens to choose from. So, if you’re indecisive like me, you’d better have a Leo friend take the reins on this one.

Home to the famous feteer-making Kom El Dikka - a prime location for a hearty breakfast that’s easy on the eyes and the wallet - Tunis Village is where you can enable your shopping addiction by buying pottery everythings without having to break the piggy bank you made at Ceramica Café. You can also take a pottery class, where you can make your own slightly-misshapen jewellery bowl.

Okay, I know, I know, this all sounds nice and dandy for someone more philosophically-inclined and on the chill end of the energy spectrum. What about those of you that only read endless lines of an amateur rambling on about the desert (seriously, I can’t believe you made it this far, I have literally made it so clear that I don’t know anything about camping), just because you wanted to find out about the famed oasis raves?

I got you.

If you’re looking for something with a little sugar, spice and your favourite vice, then check out JellyZone’s long-awaited NYE rager. With a freshly-announced electrifying line-up of DJs, and the fact that it’s the only officially announced Fayoum New Year’s Eve festivity, JellyZone is looking like the tent to be in, as you welcome the fast-approaching - and hopefully better, please, for the love of God - new year.

And so, since a nonchalant air of mystery is vital to maintaining one’s allure and cultivating a je-ne-sais-quoi type of energy, I think I’ll end my lengthy musings about the charm and challenges of Fayoum here.

Stay warm, remember that mistakes made before New Year’s Eve are simply resolutions in the making, and, if you have to work this holiday season, definitely call in sick on Monday.